Honestly, the only reason I’m back is because I’m stuck in bed with a sinus infection and I’ve already watched two rather inspiring movies.  I’m in need of some purpose.

“Julie & Julia” is a fantastic movie, but always leaves me yearning for something more.  And it makes me want to write on my blog more.  But then I stare at the page and wonder what the heck I should write about.

I’m on break from college; it’s nearly 5PM and I’m still in my PJs; I’m ill and tired and I’m sure if anyone saw me, I’d be pretty hard on the eyes; I had eggs for lunch….with onions.  that was new.  I have an enormous stack of books to read and I’m not going to meet my reading goal for the year.  I can’t wait to start the new year with a new goal… and hopefully I’ll make that.  But who really knows?

I have trouble keeping a blog.  That’s why I changed the title about six months ago.  I’m a secretly lazy writer.  I love to talk of writing and ideas and the fantasies I come up with, but my pen simply can’t keep up with my mind.  Eventually, though, it catches up and I’m left with a half-baked book and an empty pantry.  Fail.

I don’t think I have a true passion.  I have lots of things I like and like to do…. but nothing that truly drives me.  I don’t have a dream, nothing to work for.  Gosh, this is depressing.  But why keep a blog when the ideas don’t come but to complain about my lack of ideas??  WHY?

Maybe writing with a sinus infection wasn’t such a good idea.  It’s making my head hurt and bringing my mood even further down, which I didn’t think was possible…. but here’s to New Years Resolutions: find a blogging purpose….. I’ll sip my green tea to that.

Because I look at the world today, and I see people who struggle with their esteem and confidence, but no one cares about them.  Today’s world, today’s society, is about perfection.

We’re not encouraged to be unique.  As much as commercialism and the media want us to think that they’re daring us to be different, they’re not.  We’re supposed to be different as long as everyone else is.  If you’re different because YOU’RE different, you get labelled as a freakshow, a weirdo and all those other attractive names people like to throw at your face.

But to be different with everyone else is to be average.  We can’t be average either, but then you’re not different, but if you’re different, you’re strange, but if you’re average, you’re boring.  You see the dangerous cycle?

You can’t just follow the trends, you have to be on the cutting edge of the trend.  You have to be one step in front of everyone else to be different.  but just make sure everyone is following, ’cause it’s not worth being different if you have to do it by yourself.

The media and the world doesn’t encourage us to be unique or different or average or mediocre.  The world is bent on making us IDEAL.  We’re forced into the mold of idealism and even when we’re comfortable with who we are, the world continues to push us and squeeze us into its mold as we kick and scream against it.

“Really, Kay?” you’re thinking.  Yes, really.  I’ll give you an example that’s close to home for me.  I might be what you’d call ideal.  I’m six foot and 125 pounds.  I get told countless times that I should be a model, that I look like a model, “have you tried modeling?”  It’s the glamorous career, I’m sure, but I’ve never bought into it for whatever reason.

And can I be honest on something that might make you hate me and make you never want to read this blog again?  Even I have days where I feel “fat”…..I use air quotes because it’s become a relative term..  Because girls who are NOT FAT call it fat.  Even me.  Some days my stomach sticks out too much, sometimes my calves jiggle a little more than I’d like, sometimes I wish I could see my abs or any of my muscles for that matter.  Sometimes I WANT to put on weight so my spine does practically break through the back of my shirts when I bend over.

All this to say that we are HARDWIRED to think the same thing no matter what we look like:

YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

“you will never be perfect.”

“there will always someone who looks better than you.”

“Good luck getting anyone to think you’re worth a second look.”

LIES.  and I don’t mean that in a humorous way.  They are LIES.  Not, half-truths, or white lies…these are deadly, deceptive falsehoods from the pit of hell.  But they are distorting and warping my generations and all the generations before it.

It’s a lie we’ve been fed from day one….but did you know that the lie used to look differently?  Look at this:

You laugh at that now, but that’s what they used to believe.  I read “Anne of Green Gables” when I was younger and Anne is OBSESSED with looking “plump” and idolizes her friend Diana because she’s fattened in the perfect way to show off her curves…..

Odd, isn’t it?  That less than 100 years people HATED to be skinny….that “fat” was the old “slim.”

If that doesn’t scream what a lie we’re living right now, I don’t know what’s going to get your attention.

We were made in God’s image.  We are beautiful because He made us beautiful.  (guys too…) God made Adam and Eve and called it GOOD.  We are GOOD, but we’re deformed by sin and our minds have suffered from it.  We forget what God tells us and try to please everyone else.  We’d rather have a handle of people look at us for an extra five minutes (after a heck of a lot of work), than let a perfect and holy God LOVE and TREASURE us for the wonderful and good creation that we are right now.

I’ll step off my soapbox when you step off the scale.

Over my satisfaction

Over my intellection

Because I’m tired

Of keeping appearances to keep attention

And I’m tired

Of having confidants to have confidence

And I’m tired

Of being astute to be accepted.

And if this is what it takes to live

Take me to the grave

Because THIS is not what I came here for.

And THIS is not my purpose.

I’m here as a city shaker

An earth quaker

And a kingdom maker.

But when I lose sight of it all,

I walk blindly past the goal

And begin to seek the lesser things,

Of being worth it

And with it

And for it.

And I start to pretend

Like I’m worth having

Worth keeping

Worth watching.

And I search for something more

When the jewels lay on the floor

Right in front of me.

Screaming to me their value

And I ignore them for the sake of myself

But being a free spirit is nothing

If you’re bound to your own expectations

And exclamations

And exaltations.

So walk me to the gallows and hang me

For what I’ve been.

And let me die to who I was

And make me again

Into who I am.

And who I will be

And who I’m yet to become.

“The beef-witted featherbrained rattleskulled clod-pated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed boys. How could anybody accuse her of stealing them? Why would anybody want them anyway?” -From “The Princess Bride” by William Goldman

“Life isn’t fair, it’s just fairer than death, that’s all.” -(again) from “The Princess Bride”

“When I look back, I am so impressed again with the life-giving power of literature. If I were a young person today, trying to gain a sense of myself in the world, I would do that again by reading, just as I did when I was young.” -Maya Angelou

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.” -Joseph Conrad

“We live as we dream–alone….” -Joseph Conrad

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.  For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.  For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.  For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.  For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.  People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.  As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.” -Audrey Hepburn

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” -Audrey Hepburn

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”  - St. Francis of Assisi

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“It’s been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.” - L.M. Montgomery

“It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.” - Vladimir Nabokov

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”  - Groucho Marx

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” - Oscar Wilde

Now, I’m not at ALL saying that secular music is bad.  Some artists are so inventive and unique.  I listen to a great deal of….strange music.  I’d say my all-time top bands/artists are Hanson, Regina Spektor, and Parachute.  All three of them have a very individual and unclaimed sound that I adore.  (I’m also a sucker for anyone who can rock out on a piano like these guys can)  I purposely go on my iTunes Genius to find small groups that no one really hears much about and I get their best songs.  Then when I put my ipod into my car stereo, no one wants to listen to my stuff because everyone wants a song they can sing along to….and I can’t say I blame them.

Okay, so I don’t listen to a lot of Christian music anymore….why?  Because they’re exactly what I try to move away from when it comes to music genres.  Stay with me.  Let me explain that one.   I just said that I like unique groups, people who have a sound that’s NOT mainstream.  But that’s all I see in most Christian music.  They’re either ooey-gooey praise music, which I don’t like as background music unless I’m really in the mood, or it’s this strained try to be mainstream and contemporary with the ever-moving genres of secular music.  I feel obligated to always listen to the words of the Christian music because I get so bored with the music.  And sometimes the words are great, but when I’m doing teaching homework or writing a paper, I don’t want to focus on the words of a particular song.

So I started to think through all the Christian artists I know and try to come up with someone who has the individualized sound I love.  And only one, inventive, musical genius came to mind:  Jimmy Needham.

I’ve seen this guy in concert twice.  Once a long time ago (2008, I think) before he hit big in the Christian industry, and then again about a year ago.  This guy blows me away.  He’s got this bluesy, jazzy sounds that is so smooth and groovy (yup, I just used that word).  He doesn’t stick to just one sound, but play around with mo-town, jazz, rock, and blends of many other genres.  And his lyrics are solid.  He’s got some of the most poetic ways of getting across Christian truths.  I really love to just sit back and groove to his music and bob my head to the tunes.

So am I huge Christian music junkie?  Not as much, but I still listen to it at times, and several songs are ones that I find to be timeless.  And their purpose to glorify God never fails.

…..And check out Jimmy Needham while you’re at it.

But the things that bother me for more than a split second (like those above) are, in you will, “doctrinal peeves.”  There are some very small, minor things that people get wrong about God and theology that aren’t huge controversial issue, but people fail to understand.  Here’s one:

Today we had “Convocational Chapel” at my humble Christian college.  Don’t ask me what that means or why it’s special.  All I know is that all the professors and faculty got to sit in the front in their robes, some classes were cut 15 minutes short (but not my lame freshman class, of course…I’m not bitter) and chapel went until 11:30 instead of 11:20.  It was a cool ceremony, or whatever you call it.  We sang two of my favorite hymns, “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” and “Be Thou My Vision.”  Beautiful songs that are right in my range and allow me to just belt out the notes and worship God.  There was special music and a message like normal chapel, and it really was a nice time of worship, but then one of the professors got up to close us in prayer and that’s where my feathers got a little ruffled.

He opened with “Lord, forgive us….”  and began several other sentences that way.  That might not sound like a huge deal, but it is to me.  God says that He has already forgiven us!  We are forgiven, not will be forgiven or, could be forgiven, we ARE forgiven.  So why ask God to forgive us?

Christ paid it all.  It’s a done deal and we’re still asking Him to clear our record.

My youth pastor used to use the example of mowing the lawn.  Say he asks my brother to mow his lawn, and my wonderful brother does it for free.  But my youth pastor comes out of his house as soon as my brother finishes and says “Hey, could you mow my lawn?”  My brother would be like, “Uh, I just did!”  It would be ridiculous and ungrateful of the work my brother just accomplished.

You know those crazy and slightly annoying people who apologize for everything a million times?  It’s soooo irritating.  You know they mean well, and you’re SURE they’re sorry, but they don’t understand that you’ve forgiven them.  It’s okay.  Done deal, you’re not in any trouble.  Just be quiet already.  Think we sound like that to God ever?

So is this a huge controversial point where I’m concerned about this guy’s personal salvation, no.  Not at all.  But what I believe we need to be doing is thanking God for the forgiveness He’s already provided and begin to live our lives in that light.  ’Cause Jesus Paid It All.

• Singing out loud in the car and in my room without having to worry who it’s bothering or making a big deal about it….I’m not always open about the fact that I love to and can sing pretty well, and I don’t like to discuss it with people or feel conscious about it when I’m with them….. maybe I’m giving myself too much credit.
• Momma’s food.  Dining hall isn’t too bad, but I went to a cook-out at one of my hallmate’s houses and it really just made me miss real food….
• Not having to worry about my diet.  This kinda ties in with Momma’s cooking, because I didn’t have to worry about whether I was having too much junk food or getting enough veggies…but now, especially with those wonderfully dangerous care packages, it’s hard not to resort to snackage and junk food whenever I feel the munchies coming on.
• Weekends being weekends.  Right now, all my days feel the same.  It’s either a day of classes or a day of homework.  I can’t tell which day is tuesday or friday or sunday….everything kinda blurs.
• Certain things about high school.  *GASP*  I know, those words should be coming out of my mouth, but it’s true.  I miss having only two hours of homework, the concrete, consistent schedule of school starting at 7:30AM and ending at 2:30PM.  None of that worrying if someone has classes when you do or if they feel like going to lunch at 11:30AM or 1PM….I like consistency in my schedules and for everyone else to work the same way.
• Not having to do my laundry!!!  I have a rather large pile of laundry waiting to be washed and I’m having trouble figuring when I’m going to get it…because classes and homework are a priority, and so it eating, and then there’s that fun stuff you do with friends and then…..
• Being able to go home….  when things aren’t right with certain people or you’re just not in the mood to see anyone, I used to be able to just hole up in my room until it passed and I was ready to face it.  Can’t do that anymore.  Now I have to hit the problems head on….some of the time.
• Hugs.  I miss being with people I can hug all the time.  I’m slowly getting closer to the hugging with certain people, but at home there are a million people I could name right now who give me hugs on a regular basis.  I miss those people.

So if the college theme gets boring, I suggest you find another blog to frequent. (of course, I’m saying that in the more gracious way possible)

A friend and I were discussing the hunting grounds of college for a “significant other”.  First semester is the worst, I’ve heard…but I doubt it gets much better.

Funny how much pressure there is to find a husband at Christian colleges.  I came here knowing and being told that I wasn’t there to find a boyfriend/husband.  I’m here for a degree.  I know that.  And yet, it pushes harder and harder at the back of the mind.

And it weaves it’s way into everything.  A group of us stayed out in the warm weather until almost 1AM talking about engagements, marriages, relationships.  A lot of it was fun and joking around, but many opinions were voiced at the same time.

And I see why the relationships happen so quickly.  You throw a large group of teenagers into a world they’ve never known and they’re suddenly living in closer proximity to the opposite sex than they’ve ever experienced.  You can spend a ridiculous amount of time with someone as “just friends” while you watch everyone else getting engaged and married.  There’s pressure to find a relationship bombarding us on every side.

So what’s a girl supposed to do to keep her head above the water?  Besides cutting out all boys (which is pretty much impossible).

This is not a formal list, but just things that come to mind when I think about all the junk being thrown at me and the rest of the kids here:

1. College (or high school or any other place) doesn’t mean you’re going to find your soulmate.  This may sound obvious, but it’s something we seem to forget.  Christian colleges stress the “Bridal institutes” and “MRS degrees”, and we seem to forget that there’s a world beyond it all.  Maybe you’re not going to meet that “Mr. perfect” at college.  Don’t bank on it.

2. College really isn’t different from high school….you have the fakers, the liars, the players, the flirts, the populars and the rejects…so if you thought “everyone is so immature in high school,” don’t expect it to change in college.  Keep you guard up and your standards high.  At Christian colleges, people seem to think that because we all have the same faith, it means you’re compatible with anyone you get along with! LIES.  Be as picky as you would at a secular school or if you were standing on a corner looking at complete strangers who could be potentials.  But hopefully you’ll never be that desperate.

3. Learn to have healthy guy/girl friendships.  It’s the hardest, weirdest thing to maintain, but it is possible.  If you can learn to not expect every friendship to turn into a relationship (whether you want one or not), you’ll be better off.

4. Don’t rush into it.  Yes, even in our high standards and worthy perspectives, there might be some guy who comes along that’s worth a shot.  It happens, believe it or not.  And maybe it’s Mr. Right, and maybe he’s a mistake you’re going to learn from.  So take things slow.  I love the quote from Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, “A lady’s mind is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”  And girls, you know what I’m talking about.  We meet a guy and instantly we’re thinking, “ooh, he’s cute, I like him, maybe I’ll date him and then MARRY HIM and we’ll live happily ever after…”  and then we realized how silly we’re being, but we can’t really help it.  (Correct me if Jane and I are the only ones who do this….)  But don’t be afraid to take it slow.  Think about if it were to end, would you regret some of the choices you made?

5.  ULTIMATELY, everything is in God’s timing.  We need to go into everything (singleness or relationships) prayerfully and seeking for His will.  Without that, we’re always going to land on our faces with a mouthful of dirt moist with tears.  Get friends to keep you in check and who will pray for you and remind you to pray for yourself AND your significant other, wherever they may be.